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01 April 2010 @ 01:51 pm
I finally understand what depression is. I have at least gathered my own insight on the state. It's when your life has no "high" in it. Actually, I should say it does have some, but not a constant high. There is always something there that will drag you down to this pathetic state. And you have no control over it because you don't know what is causing it. I can have the best day in my life tomorrow, but eventually, I will be dragged back to this state of emptiness. It's not really something bad happened that caused it. It's just, life has ceased to be entertaining, at the mere age of 20.... motherfucking 20 years old and I'm in a fucking hole that I can't dig my ass out of, even after all the training.

All I'm doing right now is passing by. Nothing really to live for. Don't get me wrong, my view on suicide is still an absolute atrocity to me, so instead of taking the initiative and jumping the gun, I'm waiting until death comes to me knocking on my door? I'm just fucking ridiculous aren't I? Using contradictions and shit.
I don't know anything anymore so I'm just going to wait. Wait until the situation calls for me. But I'm not going to sit and wait, I'm taking initiative to take myself out of depression. Go out more, meet more people that I like and spend more time with my family.
19 February 2010 @ 02:31 am
The ones I'm with or was with I should say was always appealing to me. But whenever it came down to the question, I was always in shock because I never knew the answer. There are classic scenarios where the question of "why do you like me?" pops up and the significant other is speechless or makes up a random reason why, like "I love your laughter", but that is never enough to satisfy so they dig deeper and deeper, expecting the impossible from us.
But this one is different, I can't let this question tie me down. I was with my friends.... yes, my friends that asked me why SHE was the one. I just sat there with "umms" and "uhs". I couldn't say anything. I didn't wanna say "she makes me smile" or "I like the way she laughs" or something of the sort which sounded ridiculous and then be ridiculed for the declaration. But it hit me once I was kicked out and had the long drive home and washed my face.
The reason? She makes me feel special, unlike how my friends can. She makes me feel good, like no one else will be able to. She helps me escape reality. She's my vacation. The vacation I always wanted, but can't afford to keep because of my life's tie downs. Yes, this is the reason why. Another reason? Which is totally cliche, is because she is who she is and that is that. I don't like her because she's someone else, but because she's her. She can flash a smile and it'll make my day. She can be scolded and she'll drag me down with her without knowing. It's who she is that I like and I can't say much more.
05 January 2010 @ 07:19 am
New Year's resolution? What is the point of it really? I don't know, all I've heard about it since I was young is that it's just another goal you set for yourself. I just may see the point now. It's not just an everyday goal.... it's the annual goal. Unless of course, annual means year after year and I'm pretty sure it is now that I actually think about it. I don't know, I just came back from my run this morning, I'm exhausted, yet I'm blogging.
Hah, blogging. Anyways, yes. The Goal, that is what the new year's resolution is. Some people may never actually have a set goal throughout the whole year.... yes, hard to imagine isn't it? But it's, some people just don't make goals for themselves. So for those people, they probably only set one goal at the start of the year (New Year''s Resolution) and try as hard as they can to stick with it.
That's my philosophy behind that, now to where I was going with this.... I get side-tracked too easily. -_-
My new year's resolution?
To get healthier. And that is a very broad term, which I would like to improve in all aspects of the word.
01. First of all, my physical health... my body. My body is conditioned for somethings, but not for others. And I find that quite frustrating. It's not like I complain about my stamina for sex or fighting, hell no. I love sex and fighting, possibly equally? Neah, I love sex more. I can last for around 8 minutes if I keep at a steady pace in fighting, but sex. Oh.... That's a different story. Thanks to my previous sex partners, I'm able to last for the first thirty minutes for the first round. And then I just go crazy. It's only by freak accident when I cum in like the first five minutes. Surprise? Guess not.
Well, by physical health, I mean having the endurance to travel by feet for long distances at a time. I've always had a car. By that, I mean if I didn't have one to drive, say when I was under 13, I had my loving parents drive me to my destinations. Even in the city of san diego, where everything is literally right next to each other.
02. Mentally healthy... my mind. I need more sleep when school starts, I really barely get 5 hrs each night because of study sessions, with or without the groups. It's just not healthy knowing that your on your reserve energy for 5 days a week, sometimes even the straight 7. No wonder I've been on edge this past year, I'm just a grumpy person at heart I presume, thought I was never going to be, the way I was raised. Also, no more drugs? Fuck, never thought I'd say this but I want to. It's not like I do it everyday, or every month at that; but that doesn't give it the okay to do drugs. (Does it?) Probably not. I hate the initial hit, it's just disgusting... the taste. But the sense of euphoria, your mind racing, your palms sweating, your heart pounding (it's great!!!). So I'll try to lay off of it.
03. Financially healthy... my money. I just need to find a fucking job. It's depressing enough that I don't get financial aid, which pulled me through these first 2 years of college. Well, year and a half. Gas, food, drinks, friends, girls. It really does all come with a price. The money for gas to get to (a) friend('s) location as well as (a) girl(s). Money for food and drinks to get by. Yeah, money. It's not like I haven't applied like crazy, I have. I really have. But no one is fucking hiring. Really is a bitch.
Well, that's my New Years Resolution, getting healthier. Now, I'm fucking starving, bye!!!
Current Location: Room
Current Music: Fan
31 December 2009 @ 07:08 am
I woke up at 5:45 AM today and was out the door running by 5:59. I ran for about 23 minutes, but I had some stop and go moments i.e. resting periods within the 23 minutes. So I probably ran for a total of 15 minutes? Give or take a few.
I decided to start running about 2 nights ago when I came back from getting high in SD with Kevin. He feels like he's in some deep shit right now because both his older brothers and dad know about his "smoking" habits. And when I say "smoking" habits, don't mean ciggs. His dad saw him with a group of friends at his old house when his parents, they, were supposed to be in their new house. Kevin thought it would be fine and didn't think they'd be home since they've been gone for about 3 weeks without notice. So he brought a gang of friends over and smoked bud and rolled x for a week straight. Think they even tried shrooms. Bud is their regular thing, rolling is kinda recent, but it's every once in a while and shrooms.... Not often at all. I think the last time was with me when I first got my high.
I can't really explain it better than we dive in a pool of color when we eat it. Taste like shit, like all drugs that you have to taste.... but the after effect it great. I was a bit skeptical about taking a hit when I was in SD 3 nights ago, but fuck. All I needed was a hit and my mind went loose. I can say, I can't stay focused when I smoke bud... It's as if I had ADHD. Hard as a motherfucker to stay concentrated on one thing, not to mention driving. OMG, I don't think I can drive high.
I got high with Kevin, Elliot, Eric. They got high with a group of fucking 10 people a night before I did though, I just sat back and watched. Didn't wanna do anything stupid with people i don't know. And there was this chick that was moving and it was her last night in SD, shoulda given her a night of her life.... Passed it up cause Kevin was already getting irate of Eric for dry humping that Arab chick in public and making us wait up for him. I didn't wanna piss him off haha.
Oh, witnessed kevin's driving firsthand. Not that bad, but it's not like I had a choice. Khanh took the car back up north so I was a fish out of water so to speak. It's not that far from UCSD, it's in Clairemont, and I thought about kickin' it with Kevin for school, but khanh said since he lives with his parents, it would be a restrictive living style. She suggested I crash with Ted and his roomies since it's just guys, it would be a laid back lifestyle, similar to the one I've been living. Split the rent between 4 guys, $280 a month. Sounds reasonable, now to look for a job. Heard getting a job on campus isn't hard at all from Tinh, so really looking forward to it.
Anyways, back to the main story. Reason why I started early morning runs? I am out of shape. Was running up the hill in SD, trying to find a place to get high conspicuously with the guys. I couldn't keep up. My anaerobics exceeds everyone elses' in the group, probably because of the years of training in fighting, but fuck.... I can't run for shit. Plus, planning to get FUCKED up this new years with Nam, so I need to keep healthy.
And why early mornings versus mid afternoon or evenings? I want to enjoy the day instead of sleeping through it. And I like it when the moon is shining upon me and the cold morning chill running through my clothes.
Let's see how long the running would last, I really have no idea.
Current Location: Foggy Perris
Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: Reply by the nigga I-Yaz
10 December 2009 @ 10:34 pm
It definitely is eating me up inside. As if my universe has turned off, no..... had a blackout, and I don't know when the city will decide when it will turn back on.

That is it, a black out... because I'm still too young for it to turn off on me, just like that without a forewarning of some sort. When did I start feeling this? Was it when I was sharing a vanilla covered chocolate cone with Ms. Sally on that Tuesday afternoon when we were in front of that one coffee shop at the end off lasselle under an umbrella? It was one BIG umbrella, I might add. Oh, I remember. It must've been when we were snowed in after we decided to snuggle in my mother's lexus.... oh that lexus, it was grand indeed, but that's another story for another day. Right now.... I'm explaining about... what was it again? Oh yes, WE were snuggled in the lexus. Who was we you might ask? You as in the reader of course. You asked and I shall answer my faithful friend, we were Bonne and myself. Yes, Bonne Renee Martin.

Yes, we were snuggled inside the cabin of the lexus, but why would this be a story to tell? Well my friend, funny thing. We just finished watching, oh, whatever movie was out at the time in 2007, and it just started to snow. Nothing major, it was a clear day just the day before. Anyway, we just got out of the movie theatre and the gentleman that I was, and I have to say, still am today, opened the door for my lady friend, who just happened to like me, and what do you know? I liked her too. She literally, hopped into my car and dragged me down by the collar of my shirt and you know..... we were snogging and somehow.... we ended up in the back seat of the sedan. I was actually worried about having to jump for my rescue inhalor. I remember flipping positions with her a few times before she was satisfied. What can I tell you? Girls really can't make up their minds, so it's always the guys that make the final decision.

I really can bring up many reasons why she was the worst I've been with, not like I've been with that many. The few "short-comings" I had when I first started college, I don't really consider them to be much than that, short-comings.

Then we all know about Angela. She and I? She surprised me calling at 7 right after I got home after one of my classes. I remember this night.... I'll use the word "vividly" for the lack of a better word. If anybody is familiar with our past relationship, you'll understand why... Or the familiarity with Angela. /shrug
Our relationship was really slow, that is why it surprised me that she popped up right across the street, right in front of the mailbox at that hour. IIRC, it was a Tuesday night, which meant she just got out of drill. Any other night, it would've shocked me, not surprised.... because... well, she just surprised me. Haha? Well, shocked because, if I knew her family at all, they would have killed her for being out at what? 8 pm on any other typical night of the week. Anyway, back to the little story. She showed up, I immediately, I mean, immediately got out of the house as quickly as humanly possible and rushed to Roger. We got close.... (oh yeah, did I forget to mention that we never really had an intimate moment together? Oh, sorry for the spoiler) we looked into each others eyes and I went in for the kill, I mean, I just went in for a kiss and then, it just happened. Well, "happened" my friends, is a very relative word. In this context, "happened" happened to mean kissing with a little tongue. Then we must've had at least three sessions before she opened roger up and I got into the passenger seat from the driver's side. No, no. She got on the passenger seat and I was in the driver's. That's it. She was in the passenger and I was in the driver's. Then I jumped over, not really on her and kept making out. Dunno for how long. Then we heard my mom came home in her lexus along with khanh so we got out, gave each other a peck and she drove off and I got in the car with my mom and sister to walmart or something.

So, Sally Thuy Nguyen.. Bonne Renee Martin.. and Angela Marie Cooper. The three..... what should I call them? Female companions... Yes, they were female companions that I had in my life. Did I have those feelings I have now for Ashlie with them three? Maybe even Penny, Lexus, Silvia, Katheryn, and Kolby. I really don't know, those last five were short. Shorter than me and Angela. I don't know.... no I do, I do know how long I've had feelings for this girl. Since January of '07. That's when I first had a glimpse at her in the Gunther's trailer when I first took Kenny back to his gpas house place when they lost their house.

So why can't I express my feelings for her now? I did back March, but that didn't go at all the way I'd planned. Well, I didn't really have a plan. I just kissed her.... when she fell asleep? Now that I think about it..... It really was stupid on my part. She had a boyfriend at the time, Ethan. And She liked him. A lot. Maybe I'm just scared of what she said. Well, denile really, but what she said was something along the lines of "we can't be." Now isn't that a blow of smoke? FUCKja;slfdasdfh;alsihdf[o'a. I don't know. I'm just a panzy. Yeah, perty much.
Current Mood: bitchybitchy
Current Music: Nothing right now.
03 June 2009 @ 10:54 pm
Life really has been laid back lately. I wake up for work, get home, drive around bumping the sound system in the Mr2, get home and sleep. Occasionally, I take a nap at one of these parks in Perris. And I'm not complaining with not having nothing to do. I actually just went out to ontario last night and met up with Jessica again. She just moved out from her parents and she wanted to celebrate and knew that I'm not a people person so she only brought one other person... who I didn't know. Jessica and her friend, Trang, and I ate at Dave and Busters at Ontario Mills. It was great catching up with her. Then we walked around and talked then I came home.
I think that was the most I've had to do in a while, haha. My life is boring :(
I was thinking of wearing a dress shirt and slacks, but I thought that was going to push it.... Jessica and her friend Trang didn't think so. I shoulda done just that.
I got home around 9ish, maybe 9:30 and was already in bed, then Angela called me. It was good seeing you again, it's been a while.
Now, I'm replacing the foam surround on my coaxials. Hope they turn out for the better :/
Current Location: In front of the World.
Current Mood: listlesslistless
Current Music: Good Morning - Kanye
06 May 2009 @ 08:56 am
School is fun. I don't know what I'd be doing if I wasn't in school right now. Wait, that's a lie... I'd be sleeping most of the time and occasionally take a shower :P
Socializing with the people that have the same interests.... meaning the same people in my classes and finding out what their majors are. It's a new insight on how I look at things, I could've had a variety of choices to choose from, but I'm content with my major, Biochem. But these other people are so ready, even if they are in a community college. Their already starting internship. And they have a minor so they have something to fall on. I, on the otherhand, don't have a minor, maybe I should start looking into my options that are out there. Or just do what one of my teachers in high school did and choose only if I don't make it in biochem and count the number of units I have and decide then. Neah, too risky huh? I think so.
But I also enjoy the times I have with my friends. Kenny, Manny, Tom, Ash, Angela, Ezzy, Kyle. Their just fun to be around, this amazing group of people. Even if we do have our downs, their greatness out-balances it. Even though Ken didn't drop by afterschool yesterday after telling me he was on his way, he's a cool kid. He gets lost too easily, but with a hard push, he'll be back on track. Manny, don't know what to do with him. Ezzy, hope she stays happy. Tom, once we break down that barrier he sets up from his dad, he's a cool kid. Ashlie, she talks a lot, but she's hot so I don't care. Angela, she's becoming distant from the group and hope she stays happy also. Kyle, he's too busy with school.
The year is ending. Almost done with my frosh year. I'm going to have to drown myself in work this upcoming fall and spring if I want to make it to my home city, SD, once again. Haven't decided where I'd live yet, if I get denied a dorm, I'd crash with one of my uncles.... or better yet, find a job by then! And get my own place. Sounds good. Just gotta stay away from Trung and them, they bad people. Well, they just do a lot of illegal shit and I don't want to be caught up in it during school. But their cars are so nice :(
Now I'm going throw the woofers in my MR2 and drive around Perris and Moreno Valley annoying people with my loud system :P
Or water the front lawn and backyard.
05 May 2009 @ 05:19 pm
My dad and my sister switched place for a couple of weeks. He's been over Colorado since yesterday and will be for maybe 3-4 weeks. Same thing with my sister. She's said she'd cook a different meal every night and so far, she has. Went to the mall with her yesterday night, even though none of the malls open that late, we just walked around the mission valley mall at night with all of it's shops closed then headed to the beach and chilled there for a couple of hours and came home at around 2:40ish? Sounds about right.
Then I woke up and installed the two JL audio coax speakers my dad picked up a while ago into my MR2. The sound is so much richer now, I just can't stop driving it. My brother even said he enjoyed the new sound system. He said he'd help throw my woofers in the back of my car tomorrow since he's tired from school. Took me all morning to install the damn things, but it was well worth it. I even cruised around Perris bumping my music. It was exhilarating experiencing sound from my speakers. I'm so glad I got rid of those crappy speakers that crapped out on me, feels so good.
Now I feel like I need to flood something.... my backyard sounds nice right about now. Chicago is good so far, certainly exceeded my expectations, granted that I'm only halfway through. What's that saying again? Never judge a book by it's cover?
06 April 2009 @ 12:35 pm
So for my spring break, I'm supposed to be camping on one of the mountains in San Diego with Kevin and his friends. Supposed to because I've been calling him all morning, but he hasn't picked up. I don't want to go to SD and then have him cancel on me, that would be lame.
Anyway, I went on a mission this morning. It was to find the old tents and sleeping bags James, khanh, kevin, me and his friends used to bring to camping trips to lake henshaw and palomar mountain. I found them and picked out a tent and I even went out of my way to test the tent by setting it up in my back yard. It looked fine, hope it'll stay that way for coachella.
I hope Kevin would return my call soon, because I wanna be able to hang out with him before falling asleep. Damn that kid.
Current Location: Red chairo.
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Current Music: Light It Up by Rev Theory
02 April 2009 @ 05:24 am
As the title states, she is back once again. She said she was going to be back for only 2 weeks, but when we counted the days together that she'll be spending in Cali, it added up to 22 days which is 3 weeks and a day.... neither of my parents can do math lol. So far, she cooked pho, soi, and com tam. I know I counted four recipes this morning, but I can't really pin point which one I'm missing. Maybe it's because I'm too lazy.
Also, my 2nd youngest nephew went to the emergency room 2 weeks ago and is still in there :(
He went through 2 surgeries because he has an infection in his stomach. The docs said they don't know how, they just know it is. He's eating through a tube right now, no one knows how long he'll be in the hospital for. Everyone is so worried about him, but all we can do is hope for the best.
Now, Angela invited me to go to The Warped Tour and Coachella. Umm, I think I just might go to both lol. Coachella is the weekend following our next beach trip, which shouldn't conflict with my class schedule and same with The Warped because, it's the SUMMER!!!!
omg though, both will be hot though huh? I also need to look for a job soon too :0. This'll be the 2nd time I'd be an audience to a live performance. ;lakdj
I'm excited lol. Not too much the weather though :/
Umm.... let's see, anything else? Nothing worth mentioning I don't think.
Current Mood: coldcold
Current Music: Lollipop - Framing Hanley